My spot at the VA & A Thank You to Veterans

     During my dad's illness, we made numerous trips to the VA hospital in Columbia, MO.   Sometimes we were in the ER, sometimes the step down unit, and many times the 4th floor.  We got to know so many healthcare professionals at that hospital.  They knew us by name.  We knew them.  Doctors, nurses, and techs; Jamel and Rho to name a few.

     We got to see so many other veterans, say hi, offer food to their families; and they would offer food to us.  Why?  Because the 4th floor waiting room became our residence.   Where we would stay night after night waiting for dad's numbers to return to normal, so he and we could go home.  The furniture in those hospitals are not comfortable.  But this particular chair folded out to a bed.  I slept on it more times than I can count.  Always remembering how uncomfortable it was.   God how I long to be at the VA, in the 4th floor waiting room, in MY spot, because it would mean my daddy was still here.   That's selfish, I know.   I wish it was easy to say, and I try to force myself to mean it when I say it's ok he isn't here.  He is in no more pain.  He is with the Lord, and I am thankful.  I miss him terribly.  But I would give anything to just have one more kiss goodnight, one more nose crinkle, one more "will you shut up", one more time to hear him call  me his yellow butterfly armadillo lady. Just one more.......

     I know we are not made for life on earth, but eternity in Heaven.   I know we are here for the blink of an eye.  I just pray God continues to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and put it back together again.  I'm numb, and I can't stand it.   I am a problem solver; and God put a problem in my path I couldn't solve.  I have no resolve.  I feel like I've failed.  Failed at what I don't know, but failed.  "What if's" and "why didn't I's" keep popping into my mind, and I just can't seem to shake them.  This may seem silly to some, but remembering my spot at the VA just might be a glimpse of or God reminding me; He is saving me a spot in Heaven.  It has to be........it just has to be.

My dad was a Vietnam veteran.  Proud Navy Seabee.

For all the veterans who are well, I thank you.

For all the veterans at the VA, I thank you.

For all those who made the ultimate sacrifice, I thank you.

To all the veterans who stopped to talk and share stories with my dad; or to complain about the travel pay lines......I thank you!

There are not enough words to describe my thanks.

I honor you all.

The Day Purple Became My Favorite Color

My dad went to the hospital January 29th because he began throwing up blood.   Never in a million years did we think the doctor would come back and tell us he has pancreatic cancer.  Never!  We were told he would have 4-6 months with no chemotherapy; and 6-8 with chemotherapy.  However, his body would only be able to handle single agent chemotherapy, and even then his body probably wasn't going to be strong enough to tolerate the chemotherapy.  If you know my dad, you  know without a second to lose; he opted for chemo.   He started chemo; and seemed to be doing ok, just tired and weak.   Well, after a few rounds, we were told it wasn't working.  Again, my dad would not take that outcome; so he tried oral chemo.  He is such a fighter; and strong person to be able to endure what he has.  Oral chemo did not work either.  It is all in God's hands now; and I trust in Him always, even in such a time as this.

About the time he was diagnosed; I got a new grant portfolio at work.  The grant portfolio of one of the nations, and dare I say world's leading pancreatic cancer researchers.  Don't  you just love how God works?   This doctor agreed to meet with me right away; and told me what to expect in the coming months.   

What a gift God gave me; to have access to this kind of information.   To let me play a small part in the role to find a cure for pancreatic cancer.   I'm not stopping.  This is now my fight!

There is an organization I've come to know called the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network.  I decided to register on their website to receive emails and info on the latest events and findings in the field.  I came upon an email that described one of their fundraising events; Purple Stride 2016.

So I decided to start a team; Team Lightning Spirit.  I set a small goal of $1,000, with the mindset it would never be reached.   Fast forward to Sunday.   My team raised almost $7,000 for pancreatic cancer research in my dad's honor.    I am so grateful to all who joined our team and donated.   Words cannot describe the joy and honor it was to have all of you come alongside my family during this terribly difficult time.

The ribbon that denotes pancreatic cancer is Purple.  The event was held in Forest Park on September 25.  Seeing all the set ups, thousands of people, and a sea of purple all to support the survivors and remember those that have been lost.   We laughed, we cried, we danced, and for a brief moment I forgot my dad was sick.  As the day drew to a close; the reality began to appear again.

To me, purple represents the hope I lost in January; and the hope I have found again.  Purple represents the broken hearts and tears of sadness for the lost and tears of joy for those living and continuing the fight. 

I don't understand sickness; or why people have to suffer, but I do  know that The Lord walks with them and my dad every single moment.  He knows what it is like to suffer. No one has suffered more than He has; so there is no better person to help my dad through this.   If we lean on the Lord, we will make it through, as well.  I will continue to trust and continue to pray, and when I see purple, I will be reminded that God understands our pain, hurts with us, loves us, and is with us ALWAYS.  Thanks to all who are loving on my family, and please continue to pray for my dad.  

Oh the blood of Jesus....smells funny?

On Tuesday, November 26, 2013, our church held its annual "Night of Thanks".  I decided to take Colin with me.   It was my hope he would love singing and would listen to the message given about Paying it Backward.  A message about only one of the lepers returning to thank Jesus.  Before the message, communion was given.  Colin asked me what it was. I did my best to explain.  Before I took communion, he asked if he could smell it (juice/wine).  Once I was finished he took the cup from me, smelled it, and said, "It smells funny".  The innocence of a child warms my heart. If he only knew how much it glorified God that he, at age 4, wanted to know what it was, what it smelled like.  What it reminds me of is that Jesus was a baby.  A defenseless baby dependent on his mothers care.  This time every year makes me think of what Mary went through, being his mother.  Knowing what would happen to him; and the roles reversed, she, defenseless to help him.  It also brings up a painful memory for me; a pregnancy loss.  My second child was due on 12/24/10.  For 10 amazing weeks; I thought I was pregnant with my second child.  An empty ultrasound. I believe in life from the point of conception, so if there was a child, it was too small to be seen.  But though the sorrows may last through the night, Joy comes in the morning, because on 12/24/10, I was able to share with my family I was pregnant, again, with Nicholas.  Although I don't understand everything, I believe God is in control; and only good can come from that.   I didn't have Colin take communion.  I want him to truly understand what Jesus did for him, for all of us.  I can't wait for that day!  He did start to sing, "Bless the Lord, Oh my Soul, Bless the Lord, Oh my Soul, Let everything within me,  Let everything within me,  Let everything within me, Bless the Lord."  Thank you Jesus for the gentle reminders that we have nothing to fear.  Amen!

Come Rest

I know I'm not the only person to feel like they have to be everywhere all the time and get everything right the first time.  Can I get an Amen?  Well, today, I did my usual listening of talk radio and the gloom and doom that is to come.  I felt myself getting overwhelmed in trying to fix some problems. So I started to listen to my music.  Next thing I knew I was in a puddle of tears.  So I went to the restroom to wipe my tears and fix my Rudolph nose, to no avail.  It got me thinking of what I tell my son, Colin, when he gets overwhelmed.  I say "Breathe....Calm Down....Shhhh".   I have said this so many times to him, that he will now look at me, when feeling overwhelmed, crying hysterically, and say "I need to breathe".  I'm the only one who knows what he means.  It's how we communicate our sadness, and then take the steps to help one another.   Well, today, I need to breathe, and calm down.  I searched for this particular song including short message; and it was exactly what I needed to hear.
It's called Come Rest by Lindsey McCaul

Matthew 18:20

I let things bother me.  Too much.  I know the bible says not to be anxious; but I find it so hard to apply to my life.  Why is that?  Why are some parts of scripture so easy to obey and others not?  I often allow the enemy to get into my head; to tell me I'm not worthy of God's love.  Why do I let him do that.  I obsess about certain decisions I have made in my life and how I went about them.  

 I remember very clearly the day I was baptized.  I had several conversations with a dear friend.  A friend who would sit with me for hours, if need be, to answer all my questions about God.  All the what-ifs.  His name is Mike Wallace, and I am forever grateful for his friendship.  I remember sitting at work; and just getting this feeling that it was time. Time for me to let go of control of my life and hand it over to the Lord. I called Mike. He called our pastor.  They met me for lunch; to make sure I was making a conscience decision.  We went to the church.  Another dear friend, Tyeece, brought her son.  I wanted her there, too.  She was also a dear friend, and my boss.  Mike baptized me.  I remember a feeling of peace come over me; a feeling much like I was standing in a pool of rubbing alcohol, and not water.  Like all the bad was fleeing from my body.  It was one of the most amazing feelings I had ever had.   

Since then, I have gone through good and bad times.  Times of distance and closeness to God.  I have often questioned myself if that was the right way to do it.  Should I have done it during a Sunday service?   I'm not sure.  But I think God is telling me it is fine.  He is telling me to stop obsessing.  I had been thinking about it on the way home today; and Matthew 18:20 popped in my head.

"For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst."

Well, there were 4!  I feel kind of silly that I obsessed for so many years. Not because there were 4, but because I doubted.   I just see him, much as my earthly father does, shaking his head at me, and telling me that is why he is losing hair.  And saying, "maybe one of these days, you'll listen to me".

I love you Lord Jesus!!

Amen.

Spiritual Time Out

Is there a "time-out" chair in heaven?  If so, it has Jaime written all over it.

Church was difficult tonight.  I started off in a good mood; and then, as happens a lot, Pastor Josiah says something or quotes scripture that just strikes me.   It's like the feeling of hitting  brick wall. What scripture was it?  I'm so glad you asked!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

¹⁶ Be joyful always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

 As soon as I saw it; I began to cry. By the time he was done reading it; I was in a puddle of my own tears.  We took communion. Then I was in a bigger puddle of my own tears.   That verse is special to me because it's what got me through all the stress and worry of Colin's unexplained fevers between birth and two years of age.  Every time I would think this is the time they are going to tell us he has cancer; or some incurable condition.  His condition is incurable; unexplainable, but it won't take his life.   I'm thankful for that, but sometimes I forget whose in charge, and I forget to thank him.

 You see, Wednesday night is our prayer service.  My group was praying for people with cancer, people who didn't know Jesus; and broken marriages.

I realized I don't take the time I should to give thanks to God.  He has blessed me and my family in so many ways.  All my little worries seemed so petty tonight.  God, I thank you for the gentle reminder that I'm not the one in charge.   Sometimes I need to be reminded of that.   So I give it all to you.  I long to be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is your will for all your children in Christ Jesus.

My Ministry - The Pregnancy Pantry

God keeps reminding me that I have a gift.  The gift of helping people.  I love to help people.  Even if it is helping someone out of a reckless situation they willing got themselves into.  If they need help; we should help.   While in the car, an idea popped into my head.  Why not start a ministry to help mothers with the essentials of having a baby.  I remember being very stressed about how we were going to afford a new car seat, crib, clothing, formula, etc..  You name it; I worried about it.  Would it affect a pregnant women's decision to keep her child, if she knew there was a place to get goods for her baby, that didn't have to do with government assistance, but rather, generosity from those who love Jesus.  People donate to food pantries.  Why not give items of necessity to new mothers?  For example, Breast pumps are so expensive; yet the idea is you will save money since you won't have to buy formula.  What about a new mom who doesn't have someone to throw her a shower; thus, doesn't have much, and can't afford a pump.  What if she works full time?   I'm not sure how I'm going to make this happen or if this is even possible, but I love this idea.  Anything that will glorify God is worth pursuing.  Maybe something like this already exists; but it would never hurt to have another one.   I have a lot of unanswered questions, so if you'd like to help, let me know.

Irene's Song

Putting some of my feelings on paper tonight while thinking of my grandma. I just wrote a song.  Here it is.  **One thing though, I want to point out that when I say "Wishing it all would end".  I'm not referring to anything bad, just another way I saying "why can't everything be perfect".  Happy reading or singing!!  Love you Grandma Gifford.  Everything is going to be OK!!!  Trust in God's perfect love, and know Gramps wouldn't want us to be sad all the time.

Irene's Song

Feeling overwhelmed I walk up to the alter

There’s always a first time for everything

I fall to me knees and lay my head in my hands

These days I am content about nothing

And just when I’m about to give up

I feel something on my shoulder

We are your church, we are your people

Broken and helpless, in need of a savior

Do with us what you will

As I lay here broken-hearted

Wishing it all would end

That’s when I feel a hand on my shoulder

That’s when I feel your hand

 I lie awake at night

Content about nothing

I have a wonderful husband, two babies, and a home

What is so wrong that I feel so empty sometimes?

With all the love that surrounds me

We are your church, we are your people

Broken and helpless, in need of a savior

Do with us what you will

As I lay here broken-hearted

Wishing it all would end

That’s when I feel a hand on my shoulder

That’s when I feel your hand

Be my comfort be my peace let me know you are there

Help me understand all I should be thankful for

Comfort me oh God in this time of despair

For all that I want is to know you more

We are your church, we are your people

Broken and helpless, in need of a savior

Do with us what you will

As I lay here broken-hearted

Wishing it all would end

That’s when I feel a hand on my shoulder

That’s when I feel your hand

I am your daughter

I am broken

Do with me what you will

As I lay here, I refuse to be broken-hearted anymore

I don’t want to wish for an end

For that is not what you would have for me

So instead I will raise my hands

Feeling overwhelmed I walk up to the alter

Seems like we meet here, again and again

I’ll give you all the glory; I will give you all the praise

And I'll show you by raising my hands

Jesus – I raise my hands.

Waiting......

Something just dawned on me.  I call these moments my "light bulb" moments.  I listen to christian music, almost exclusively.  No, not because I think other music is bad, or the "devil's" music, but just because it's what I like.  Its uplifting. It makes me feel better, about myself, the world, etc.  I just realized that a lot of my favorite songs, or songs that have the most impact on me involve the concept of waiting.  While waiting is mostly associated with negative things; like lines, doctor visits, or hospital waiting rooms.  Waiting on the Lord is not negative; but can feel like it in the moments in our lives where sadness comes in.  For example, waiting for labor to be over so you can see your new baby; waiting for your daddy to wake up after his pacemaker was replaced, sound familiar?  Waiting on a diagnosis for why my son gets such high unexplained fevers, yet another.  I'm sure each person who may read these has their own set of circumstances where waiting wasn't fun.  But for now, waiting on the Lord, makes me smile.  It's like waiting without waiting, because he is omnipresent. Everywhere at all times.

While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
(from Waiting by John Waller)
Waiting doesn't have to be a sad thing.  Make your waiting count.

My Brain: Divided

My brain is divided.  The Left hates the Right; and the Right hates the Left.

As Inauguration Day is nearing, the political comments are heating up.  With the tragedy in Connecticut still fresh in our minds, politics continues to turn times that need healing into times where our emotions can be toyed with .  Politicians on both sides take full advantage of that.

With this new year, I am trying to do several things; one of which, is to not worry so much.  So how does God start of 2013 with me?  My pastor delivers a sermon on...you guessed it....not worrying.   My mind is politically wired.  It is hard for me to see things without a political perspective attached.  Things I understand and things I don't understand come with politics attached.  It is hard for me to not worry.

I don't understand how someone who is a Christian can support or try to defend abortion.  President Obama, who I believe is a Christian, defends abortion.

According to ontheissues.org:
Voted NO on prohibiting minors crossing state lines for abortion. (Mar 2008) This speaks for itself

Voted against banning partial birth abortion. (Oct 2007) How does a Christ follower vote against this?


Blocked IL law: Born Alive Infant Protection Act. (Oct 2011) How does a Christ follower block something like this?


Opposed born-alive treatment law because it was already law. (Oct 2008)  Has he opposed a law concerning the right to abortion because Roe v. Wade is already law.  I don't think so.  I could be wrong.

How does a Christ follower vote for someone, anyone, who agrees with the above?  I know how in my head; but I can't reconcile this with my heart. 

A half of a billion taxpayer dollars goes to Planned Parenthood every year.  1 abortion every 94 seconds.  Abortion is legal via a decision by 7 of 9 supreme court justices.  I'm tired of Christians or "the vast right wing conspiracy" getting the blame for the abortion debate.   It's a liberal talking point. It's what they always go back to.  Heck, the entire Democratic National Convention in 2012 was glorifying a women's so called right to terminate a pregnancy.   People cheering.  It made my stomach turn.  Overturning the law won't end the debate or stop abortions.  We must go deeper. Love and show compassion.  But how?

I have two children.  I had one miscarriage.  I think I feel so strongly about this; because I don't understand how one can hear the heartbeat or feel the kick of an unborn child; and then say it's not a child.  I had to have a procedure after the miscarriage that is essentially the same procedure as an abortion, but, clearly, for a different reason.  It was a long emotional struggle to get over that procedure even though I had to have it done, or would risk infection.  I couldn't imagine someone doing it on purpose.  I'm not talking about women who have had abortions they regret; or women who are raped. I believe they need to be shown love and compassion; and receive help if they need it.  Do not get me wrong, I am 100% against abortion, but I would hope that most women don't want to have one.  I am talking about the woman who has two children; and then says if she gets pregnant with a third she will terminate.  I have actually heard this. There are many ways to prevent pregnancy; and no they shouldn't be taxpayer funded (again, thinking politically).   I know I am supposed to pray for those women as well.  How do I do that; and mean it? How do I trust my heart to be true concerning a prayer for them?

And now, a well known Christian pastor had decided to forgo giving the benediction at President Obama's inauguration because some leftist  group found quotes he said about gay "rights" 15 years ago.   I challenge anyone to tell me what right I have that a gay person does not.    I'm not intolerant.  I just know and believe what the Bible says and will not treat it as a "living" document; that changes meaning as time changes.  Again, I am supposed to love and show compassion.  How do I do that with someone who won't listen?

I am supposed to pray for my leaders.  How do I do that when I believe they are trying to orchestrate the demise of, albeit having its problems,  the greatest country on the planet?  Intentionally stirring up division among the wealthy and poor.  It, quite frankly, sickens me.  I'm tired of people who work and make a lot being vilified.  I am not one of those people,  but I can't seem to find in the Bible where it says the government should take from one class and give to another.  It is very easy to quote Matthew 12:17 or Romans 13:1; when you are benefiting from government policies.

Do you know the Bible says? "For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." 2 Thessalonians 3:10

 I will do as the Bible commands, but it frustrates me that people who are able to work will use the ballot box to steal money from one group of people in order to give it to another.     I thought the Bible commanded me to help the poor; not the government on my behalf.  It breaks my heart to leave my children at daycare; and know my tax dollars are funding some who refuse to work; and coming soon, contraception. 

So how do I pray about these things and mean it?  This is a struggle for me.  It's not that I don't want to pray for the President, etc., I just don't know the words to say.

I'm not perfect.  I don't have all the answers.  I am a sinner who lives in a fallen world, but I am supposed to love my neighbor.  I want speak the Truth in love; and I am admitting I need help with that.  Please pray for me to be able to figure this out. 

I started this blog for and about my boys.  I think of them and their future every time I post something, whether it is evident or not. My hope is that it will fade from being mostly political to something more inspiring for them.   To know how their mommy felt about things that may affect them later on; and that she went from being worrisome to completely free of burdens.  You know, to practice what she preaches!

My brain is divided. The Left hates the Right; and the Right hates the Left. With God's help, they will someday get along.

I am watching Peppa Pig with Colin. Peppa is an English pig, accent and all, which got me thinking of grandma Irene Gifford and then Peppa was asking Grandpa what to get from the store, which got me thinking of my grandpa Lee Gifford who passed away in November. Then I got sad; but then realized I should take my own advice and be happy because gramps is spending 10,000 years and then forevermore with the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Then I smiled. All is well. Goodnight!

To my Gramps

I will always love you; I think of you often and miss you so much.  I'm so glad that I became super close to you.  I'm so thankful all those times you stayed on the phone with me for hours.  I miss that.  I miss your emails.  I miss helping you with your computer.  But I'd be lying if I didn't also say I am glad God came and took you home.  You were in so much pain.  I'm so glad I came to see you in early November.  I love your smile.   I don't think it was a coincidence that you sent Grandma to the store; before drifting into our savior's arms.   God taught me something through your death.  He taught me how strong a person I really am.   I remember telling you that you were immortal and would  never die.  I certainly realize how silly that is now.   We will all die; and I'm so thankful that I have a savior who paid the price for my sins, so that I could spend eternity in heaven, where you are waiting now.  Go Blues!

2012 in Review

I can't believe the year is almost over.  So many ups and downs this year.
The Ups:
I stayed healthy
Colin stayed healthy
My dad is still with us
Baby Nick celebrated his 1st birthday
I received a pay increase in one of the worst years our economy has ever seen

The downs:
Although healthy, It took me a long time to recover from surgery
Although we are getting closer, We still haven't payed off all our debt
I haven't figured out  a way to lose some weight
I'm starting to feel old
The re-election of a Marxist to the White House
The death of my grandfather

Why does it always seem that I can name so much more of the bad than good?  I have a good life.  I have two working legs, hands, a beautiful family, a house, running water, a car to drive, food to eat, heating and air conditioning.

A recent church sermon got me thinking about all this. As if I don't over think enough!

A couple things I know -

I will continue to work hard.   I will continue to pray and read my bible.  I will continue to try and teach my boys how to be hard working and respectful.  We will continue our quest to be debt free.  It will happen!

I'm very thankful for all the opportunities I have to make a better life for my family; and all the people involved in that process.  I'm thankful that God has brought so many new people into our lives from our church.  We became members at our church and participated in our first connect group from this year. 

I don't know what 2013 holds; but I do know that no matter how much I worry; All is well.

Bumbo Seats and Hot Cars

Bumbo seats are being recalled because babies can fall out of them.  Am I the only one who thinks this is ridiculous?  Of course babies can fall out of them.  You shouldn't leave your baby unattended.  I think it is a bit over the top that we need to be told that we shouldn't leave our babies unattended.   As a mother, I can clearly get the concept of having to be everywhere all at once.  I'm changing Nick and Colin is standing on the kitchen table, is an example that comes to mind.  Sometimes things will happen that we cannot control. However, recalling millions of baby seats that are for babies learning to sit only costs the company money and probably makes the next hot item more expensive.  They make trays to go on these seats. Even with that, I should never leave my baby unattended.   The questions becomes, " At what point do we take responsibility for our own children?"

I heard of another incident of parents leaving children in hot cars.  The kids suffered from heat exhaustion.  I don't recall if they died, in this particular case, but that has happened, too.  So now, some consumer group advocates for car companies to make alarms to prevent it.    I have sympathy for anyone who this has happened to.  To my knowledge, none of them intentionally left their children in the hot car, just for the sake of it.  They estimate the time won't be that long; or just plain forget.  How often have you been in a hurry and forget to do something?  But you would never leave your kid -  I wouldn't be so quick to say that. I will never forget the day I took Colin out of his car seat. I reached in the van to get a bag, and he was already in the street. There was a car full of teenagers coming down the road.  I was running to get him; scared to death they weren't paying attention.  Thank God they were; and stopped, literally, a few feet from him.  

I don't know what the answer is other than stop leaving kids unattended.   If you see a child in a hot car, or a baby unattended, do something about it.   Step in and help.  I don't think we need to create more of a nanny state where the government poses regulations on companies for "supposed" safety violations.  At some point common sense has to come into play. 

Great and Glorious

As Colin, Nick, and I were on our way home from the carnival at the Imperial Elks Lodge; I played the new CD by Phillips, Craig, and Dean.  The fist song is called "Great and Glorious", or as Colin calls it, "Soul Sings".  He has sang bits and pieces of several songs, but never have I heard him sing like he did tonight.  I turned on the video recorder on my iPhone.   I just hung it over my shoulder as I was driving. Safety first!  So don't pay attention to my purse; just close your eyes and listen to my son worship the Lord.  This makes a mama so happy!

Once we got home I tried to record the whole thing.  He was only cooperative through the first verse, but still so sweet none the less.

Chick-Fil-A : My views

It is Chick-Fil-A day, today.  Here are few thoughts:

I understand supporting your local business, but don't be a hypocrite. 
Go because you want to go, not just because you want to stick it those who disagree with you. 
Same goes for the other side.  It is ridiculous to boycott.  Just don't go there, but to call for others to boycott, or if you are certain Mayor use your power to try to intervene in the free market.   I personally see nothing hateful about what Dan Cathy said.  Certain Photoshopped logos are confusing him with Westboro Baptist Church.  Just wrong.  Both sides should leave the logo alone.

Some of you may not know this, but we live in a free market economy.  So, let the free market decide. 

If you know me, you know I can get a little excited when it comes to certain issues.  Here are some things I have said:

"There is a certain picture floating around Facebook that is confusing Chick-Fil-A with Westboro Baptist Church. So boycott someone just because they don't agree with you? Where is the "tolerance" in that? Tolerance works both ways. And as Neal Boortz always says, " If we all agreed on everything, then one of us isn't necessary". Calm down. If you don't want to eat there then don't. If you do, then go. Don't try to put someone out of business because they don't agree with. Same goes for all the people who got mad that Ellen was a clothing store spokesperson (i forget which one, and you know why if you've seen my wardrobe). Everyone just take a breath...and have a good day."

"Boycotting ChickFilA is just as ridiculous as boycotting JC Penney, in my humble opinion"

"You can discuss whether you agree or disagree with gay marriage, but Some of these signs are fake. There is a website you can go to to make it look like whatever you want. The word "hate" is overused to also a way to put down people you don't agree with. 
Dan Cathy said this, "Well, guilty as charged. We are very much supportive of the family -- the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that. We intend to stay the course. We know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on biblical principles."


"What I am saying is "pro-hate" is all in the eye of the beholder." 

"You are right in that it may have little to do with freedom, but I am just as tired of the attacks and ridiculous manipulations of their logo because of his view on marriage. And the outright discrimination being displayed by certain mayors trying to block businesses. We all are treated equally under the law."

"I have been trying to stay out of this debate via facebook because I am very politically passionate (to put it lightly), but we are treated equally under the law. Women cannot marry women and men cannot marry men (unless you are in a state that allows it). "

" If a law does not exist in a state that allows them to be married, then both they and I are being treated equal. If a law does exist in the state that allows them to marry, then again, both they and I are being treated equal under the law."

"I don't think it is "rights" issue. Marriage isn't a right. If you don't like the law, then move to another state or change the law. Same goes for those who may live in a state that allows gay marriage, if you don't like it, either move or lobby for the law to be changed. I'm generally against Boycotts. The boycott against ChickFilA is just as silly as the boycott against JC Penney because Ellen was their rep."


I think I was respectful in those posts, or at least I tried to be.

I have also seen many posts by people of the Christian faith rebuking other Christians for speaking out on this issue.  

For the Christians rebuking Christians, where is the line between doing what Jesus wants us to do and pacifism or moral relativism?  

I find myself thinking How do I defend my faith without another Christian saying I'm offending the opposite party, and I need to walk a mile in their shoes. 

I'm being sincere when i ask this.  I'm struggling.....really struggling.  

Baby Nick is almost 1

 If you know me, you know I am an avid listener of Neal Boortz   This week at his radio station they were having their annual CareAThon for the Aflac Cancer Center.   It really made me appreciate the health of my two boys.   I can't believe how time has flown.  Nicholas will be 1 on August 19.  He has grown so quickly.  I thank God that he is a mama's boy and allows me tons of time with him.  He is almost permanently attached to my right hip when we are together.  He is such a happy little boy, being his mom seems so easy.  This week we are going to start giving him whole milk.  Little by little of course.  He is taking 2 to 3 steps at a time. I am sure he will be walking before we know it.  I feel so blessed, but am also starting to understand the heartache a mother goes through watching her kids grow up.   I'm trying to remember the point at which I stopped calling Colin, "baby Colin".  They will always be my babies, but how fun it is to watch them grow.  

It's funny to see how they react to things, like the first time they feel grass on their feet 

Or to watch brothers play   

or see them laugh as mommy makes funny faces in an attempt to get them to smile.  

 Don't judge! You know you've done the same!  Such sweet memories they will be.  

Always treasure your own and pray for those who are sick or suffering from cancer.  Some of the stories I heard today from such small kids who are so brave, and fighting cancer.  May God bless them and their families.

My Colin - 3 1/2 years later

With nothing to do this weekend because it is so hot outside, Scott gave me the task of going through the file cabinet and shredding everything that is old.  After checking the IRS and other various websites, I began to go through mountains of paper.  I came to a folder titled, "Colin Medical".  As I was going through throwing away all the EOB's, I came across a get well card from the staff at Cardinal Glennon's Children's Hospital.  I started to cry.  Then I began to remember.  It was from February 2009.  It was about 7pm on 2/10/2009, and I noticed that Colin felt a little warm.  I took his temp and it was 100.4, the temperature that we were told is at the point when you call the doctor.  So I did.  I was really hoping they would tell me to give him Tylenol and put him to bed.  Instead, they told me that since he was less than 12 weeks old, I need to take him to the ER.

Up to that point in time, I had never had to go to the ER, wasn't sure what to expect, and was kind of scared that, at that moment, his life was in my hands, because Scott was working nights.   I called Scott told him what was going on, and he met me at St. Anthony's.  By the time we got into a room, which wasn't long, his temp was at 101.8.   The ER physician came in, took down all the information, and then told us that since he was so young, they would have to do a spinal tap to rule out meningitis.  I was horrified that my little baby would have to go through that, plus, they made us leave the room.  At first, I was upset, but then realized it was probably better that I didn't watch, because I know I would have broken down, and not stayed strong for him.  When the procedure was over, they came to get us.  When we walked back in the room; of course, he was crying, so I just put my face beside his and being "shushing".  He slowly, yet surely began to go to sleep.  The results came back negative and we thought what a relief, now I can give him Tylenol, and we can go home.   Not so fast!  Now they had to test for Influenza A and RSV, so we waited, and both were negative.  So, again, since he was so little, and they couldn't find what was wrong, we had to go to either St. John's or Cardinal Glennon for a 24 hour course of antibiotics.  We went to Cardinal Glennon.

In hindsight, we should have went to St. John's, since that is where is pediatrician is from, but no big deal to us.  So they made us go by ambulance to the other hospital.  Once there, we got a room, and hooked him up to the monitors, and we began to wait.

Scott decided to go home, get some rest and clothes and come back up later.    He didn't make back; due to the fact that he got home, and then became horribly ill.   We were so scared over what might be happening to Colin, that we didn't put two and two together.  That is, until I became horribly ill several hours later.  It was like my world was crashing. I was supposed to be taking care of my 7 week old baby, and instead my little sister, Karlee, was taking care of both of us.  And she too became sick the next day.  Once we realized that either Scott or myself had come down with nasty virus, and given to Colin, who became sick the fastest, our minds were a little more at ease.   Hopefully, our bodies would follow.   I called my doctor's exchange   A different doctor from his office was on call.   I remember frantically explaining to her that I needed something to make me stop vomiting because I was in the hospital with  my little boy and needed to care for him.  She told me to start taking Imodium.  That didn't work.    I called back and asked if she would call something in to the hospital pharmacy; but she would not.  So I waited until the next morning, called, and spoke to my doctor's nurse, explained the situation, and thankfully my doctor didn't hesitate to call in a prescription for Zofran.  It is a wonder drug!  And my wonderful mother paid $82 for 20 pills.  I will never forget that she was stepped in to care for me, as I was caring for my own son.

So we are into the next day, thinking it would be a breeze from there on out, except I noticed Colin's diapers were getting very loose.  As it turned out, one of the nurses gave him a double dose of the antibiotic.   I was thankful that they came and told me.  I assume they expected me to be irate, but I wasn't.  I was thankful.  Thankful that this side effect wasn't from the unknown, like his fever.   So they put in an IV, in his scalp, of all places, and gave him fluids so he wouldn't dehydrate.  Scott was able to come up the next day and help.  We both slowly got better, and Colin was able to go home on the 13th.

Little did we know that over the next few years, he would go through many episodes like this, with the same result; it must be a virus.  I asked his pediatrician once if there was a "Dr. House" in St. Louis.  She said there was, and that he worked at Children's hospital.  So many more tests were done, so many blood draws, to no avail.

He still gets fevers, some as high as 106.  It's not parvovirus, it's not genetic, it's not periodic fever syndrome, and it's not cancer. They still have no idea why he gets them.  He has no other symptoms to help them figure it out.   So now, I chart when, at what temp, and how long his fevers last, and usually once a year we have the possibility of seeing "Dr. House" again.

Although they have yet to figure it out, if they ever will, I realize that I shouldn't worry.  I should trust in Jesus.  I have become stronger in my faith by walking with others who have gone through so much more than I have; like The Harms, or The Stanley's.

I remember holding Colin and crying, but I would (and still do) sing to him a song I heard in church.

Be joyful always; 
pray continually;
give thanks in all circumstances, 
for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 
(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV)

Colin is now 3 and growing so quickly.  That is one of the reason's I started this blog. To journal about my boys.  And hope that others will share in the experience.   

I love you Calyn Boo!

 

It's not always easy, but I choose to believe

Phillips, Craig, and Dean -  I choose to believe

Written by Dan Dean, Tony Wood, and Don Pythress
 [Performed by Phillips, Craig, and Dean]. On Breathe In [CD]. Fair Trade Services 2011 Songs from Exit 71/Sony/ ATV Cross Keys Publishing (admin by Sony/ATV Tunes LLC)

 Ever feel like a song was written specifically for you?  When listening to their new CD, I found myself  thinking back to my dad's heart attack and how I felt and all the questions, I had, so I decided to write down what I was thinking. If someone reads this who doesn't know me, Bill is one of my two brothers, Sabrina and Karlee are two of my three sisters, and Karen is a co-worker

It didn't take long for my whole world to change

On 10/15/09, when it was time for lunch I went to Target with Karen.

One phone call now life will never be the same

I had just walked into Target and Bill called. I ignored, he would call back if it was important.  He immediately called again. I knew something was wrong.

It's like I'm watching my whole world go dark

“Dad collapsed!," Bill cried. I told Karen we need to go, and asked her if she could drive

Nothing makes much sense
What happened? Mom called, dad collapsed, she is following the ambulance, they pulled off the highway.  His heart stopped beating, they got him back, this happened several times.  

But still with all my heart
           My heart was hurting
 
Chorus
I Choose to believe

“We pray and believe”, said Sabrina

And never give up hope
            He can’t die, how will we go on

God is good

All the time

He's in control,

If it is your will to take my father, please make sure you take care of my mom

I'll keep the faith,

But I really want my dad to stay here

I trust in His way,  

I know your way is best even if it hurts us, we will be ok

Even when His face is hard to see,

Where are you? Why has this happened?

I choose to believe,

            “We pray and believe”, said Sabrina

Verse 2
It's easy to believe when everything goes our way

Did I pray today? No  Did I read my bible today? No

But we are all gonna go threw fire to test our faith,

or a blazing inferno, I can't imagine how mom, Bill and Karlee felt as they watched the ER   doctors  
 

Life hurts so much that we can hardly breathe,

Will he live or will he die, why isn’t he waking up?  Are you keeping him asleep on purpose? Yes  When will you stop?  When we can take the breathing tube out.  When will that be?   We don’t know

We're begging to know why,

God, if you are going to take him then do it now, don’t let him suffer, if he get’s to stay, please let him wake up

But it's such a mystery

The doctors don’t understand how he’s still alive

Chorus
I Choose to believe

“We pray and believe”, said Sabrina

And never give up hope
            He can’t die, not until I can say Goodbye

God is good

All the time

He's in control,

If it is your will to take my father, please make sure you take care of my mom

I'll keep the faith,

But I really want my dad to stay here

I trust in His way, 

I know your way is best even if it hurts us, we will be ok

Even when His face is hard to see,

Where are you? Why has this happened?

I choose to believe
              “We pray and believe”, said Sabrina

Even when my world is shaken

The ER doctor told my mom, “ He has a spot on his lung, it’s cancer, and he will die”

Even when my heart is breaking

He has only one artery working and even it is partially blocked

Even when it seems He's taken so long

Daddy, please wake up!  If you can hear me, it’s ok to go home, we can take care of mom, but I would really like you to stay

Chorus
I Choose to believe

“We pray and believe”, said Sabrina

And never give up hope
            He won’t say Goodbye, there is no word in Cherokee for goodbye

God is good

All the time

He's in control,

If it is your will to take my father, please make sure you take care of my mom

I'll keep the faith,

But I really want my dad to stay here

I trust in His way, 

I know your way is best even if it hurts us, we will be ok

Even when His face is hard to see,

Where are you? Why has this happened?

I choose to believe,

            “We pray and believe”, said Sabrina

Chorus
I Choose to believe

We did another x-ray and didn’t see a spot on his lung, we aren’t sure what happened? 

And never give up hope
            I know what happened

God is good

You better believe it

He's in control,

He isn’t done with my dad or any of us

I'll keep the faith,

I should have never doubted, I’m sorry, please forgive me

I trust in His way, 

Because it is the only way

Even when His face is hard to see,

My dad saw heaven

I choose to believe,

And he is telling his story, and even though he is weak, and can’t do what he’d like, God’s plan for him is still in motion.

I choose to believe

Be still and know that I am GOD.  I heard your prayers. I answer prayers.

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Him
How I prove Him over and over
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Over grace to trust Him more

Amen